John Kreese. He was brave and strong and so, so handsome. When we were prisoners of war he risked his life to protect me and I fell madly in love with him.
[ Terry smiles, but it's a bittersweet smile. Despite all the pain his time as a soldier left him with, he remembers the old John with fondness. ]
We lost the war, and it changed him but I was so enamored I didn't notice. I followed him when he became angry and cruel, and when he treated me badly I just took it. Not once in his life did he ever say he was sorry. I - didn't think I deserved an apology. I owed him my life, after all.
[ That he's not advocating for better treatment from the Duchess, either, isn't lost on him. He may not be a scrawny kid anymore but his physical strength never granted him the will to advocate for himself. ]
I've carried his memory like a weight on my soul, sir. I've been too afraid to talk about him because it feels like admitting I'll probably never see him again. [ He can't stop the tears from welling up when he thinks about it, but he rests his hand gently on Guilliman's. ] And I think, perhaps, that I'm alright with that.
[It is the man Terry has told him about before, then. Roboute hmms and nods for him to continue. He understands the bonds that war, and that the darkest parts of war especially, can forge. He understands, and right now, he feels brave enough to say that.]
I understand. To fight together binds us. We become part of each other's stories.
[He rubs between Terry's shoulderblades.]
It feels like there should be an ending that equals the best parts of the story. Or justifies the worst.
[There is a quiet grief in his voice. It is a grief with a name to it. With names beyond counting. And with names even he cannot recall.]
And then there is not. And we are expected to accept that. It is not an easy thing.
[ He lets out a contented sigh and releases some of the tension he's been holding as Guilliman rubs his back. ]
But I always thought that losing him meant that I would be alone forever. Or that, at best, anything I could have with anyone else would be a pale imitation of what I had with him. [ A pause. ] But that isn't how I feel about this. About you.
[He exhales in a huff, his grip tightening just - just the minimum that he can stand to. Mortal fragility always in the back of his mind.]
Terry.
It. I have told you. I struggle with the right things to say in times like these. [Bends down, a kiss to Terry's head again.] But know that I treasure my time with you. So long as I live. My Argentum.
[ He guesses from the response that Guilliman has never considered himself to be remarkably handsome next to the rest of his family. Sad, really. He'll just have to make sure he's appreciated from now on. ]
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[ 'What matters', he says, and Terry's heart skips a beat. How long has it been since anyone's told him he matters? ]
Can I...tell you about someone I knew back home? About my captain.
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[He feels a little pang of jealousy. But he's not so petty as to let it show. Besides, he's certain Terry has a point he's working toward.]
You may.
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[ Terry smiles, but it's a bittersweet smile. Despite all the pain his time as a soldier left him with, he remembers the old John with fondness. ]
We lost the war, and it changed him but I was so enamored I didn't notice. I followed him when he became angry and cruel, and when he treated me badly I just took it. Not once in his life did he ever say he was sorry. I - didn't think I deserved an apology. I owed him my life, after all.
[ That he's not advocating for better treatment from the Duchess, either, isn't lost on him. He may not be a scrawny kid anymore but his physical strength never granted him the will to advocate for himself. ]
I've carried his memory like a weight on my soul, sir. I've been too afraid to talk about him because it feels like admitting I'll probably never see him again. [ He can't stop the tears from welling up when he thinks about it, but he rests his hand gently on Guilliman's. ] And I think, perhaps, that I'm alright with that.
no subject
I understand. To fight together binds us. We become part of each other's stories.
[He rubs between Terry's shoulderblades.]
It feels like there should be an ending that equals the best parts of the story. Or justifies the worst.
[There is a quiet grief in his voice. It is a grief with a name to it. With names beyond counting. And with names even he cannot recall.]
And then there is not. And we are expected to accept that. It is not an easy thing.
no subject
[ He lets out a contented sigh and releases some of the tension he's been holding as Guilliman rubs his back. ]
But I always thought that losing him meant that I would be alone forever. Or that, at best, anything I could have with anyone else would be a pale imitation of what I had with him. [ A pause. ] But that isn't how I feel about this. About you.
no subject
[He exhales in a huff, his grip tightening just - just the minimum that he can stand to. Mortal fragility always in the back of his mind.]
Terry.
It. I have told you. I struggle with the right things to say in times like these. [Bends down, a kiss to Terry's head again.] But know that I treasure my time with you. So long as I live. My Argentum.
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[ He relaxes into his grip, satisfied as a pampered housecat. ]
I hope this isn't an overstep, but I must say, you're the most handsome of all your brothers.
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Now you speak nonsense.
[He hauls Terry up to kiss him properly. Words are inadequate in amounts smaller than a tome, no matter what his mortal says.]
I mean it. You are a part of my hearts.
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[ He guesses from the response that Guilliman has never considered himself to be remarkably handsome next to the rest of his family. Sad, really. He'll just have to make sure he's appreciated from now on. ]
And you are part of mine.